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Skateboarding DVD Video Review:Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit 2005

Sports Illustrateds Swimsuit 2005 DVD Skateboarding Snowboarding skateboard snowboard DVD Video Review

Director:
Studio:
Released: 2005
Rating: 3 Stars

Staring:
Tony Hawk, Marisa Miller, Oluchi Onweagaba, Jessica Van der Steen, Ana Beatriz Barros, Briget Hall, Yamila Diaz-Rahi, Michelle Lombardo, Fernanda Motta, Shakara Ledard, Anne V. (no relation to Mike V.), Carolyn Murhphy, Frankie Rayder, Daniella Sarahyba, Jessica White, Michelle Alves, Mallory Snyder, Veronica Varekova-Nedved, Petra Nemcova, Amanda Beard and Jennie Finch.

Yeah, we know. This isn't really a skateboarding video, but hold up. It's hosted by Tony Hawk and with a billion dollar video game empire and being the official spokesman for all things SK8, this DVD has to fit in somehow - right?

We run into the same issue that you may have had with our Britney Spears review - which was all eye-candy; no sk8. However picture this... you've got your whole crew chilling at your place after an all-day assault on your back yard half pipe. The beer is flowing , the stereo is pumping... all you need is some visual stimulation. What better visual stimuli than bikini-clad super models clamoring around the world's finest beaches. This disc certainly won't be the center piece of your alcoholic shindig, but won't your pals get a jolt when Tony Hawk suddenly stumbles into frame!

Considering this was done in 2005 - well after Tony was set up monetarily for life - why would he even bother? Good question. I'm sure it was fun to work with Marisa Miller, but a guy like Tony can attract babes on his own. Besides, his role was totally cheesy. They gave him obvious lines to say which had to come from some moron who'd never seen a skate demo or picked up a copy of Thrasher Magazine.

The real attraction was to see Tony Hawk host a swimsuit video. So, pump up the stereo, kill the sound on your TV and enjoy the scantily-clad scenery - and the intermittent Tony Hawk appearances.

"SPORTS" Illustrated

Sports Illustrated magazine has done something quite ingenious with their rag. Obviously, it appeals to sports fanatics, but they're not numerous enough to keep a mag afloat (at least not to the standards SI has become accustomed to). To ensure the good financial standing of such a publication, sex must be injected to boost profit. I'm sure the Swimsuit issue alone pays most of the bills. Bikinis win over any sport - at least on the cover.

In keeping with the "Sports" portion of their mag's title, they get their bevy of super models to engage in a variety of sports - one per exotic locale.

THAILAND is the backdrop against which Oluchi Onweagaba, Jessica Van der Steen and Ana Beatriz Barros are forced to try out Elephant Polo. If such a sport exists, I'm certain it is not played on a beach and certainly not at the water's edge, but quality photography dictates an even mix of surf, sand and breasts. Hence, they coax a huge elephant to the water and let the girls sit on him holding a polo mallet. They all looked as much like professional athletes as mimes are master performers (in public parks).

CHILE was full of snow and few sports are as good in snow as snowboarding. A quick jaunt in a helicopter brought Bridget Hall (in a parka and bikini) and crew to a snowy peak. Oddly enough Briget went snowboarding in her bikini, sans parka, for us lucky viewers. She didn't catch any air, but surprisingly she pulled it off without any narly falls - Who'd have thought it?

BELIZE featured Yamila Diaz-Rahi, Michelle Lombardo and Fernanda Motta in full scuba gear. I wonder if any of the girls knew that scuba is an acronym for "Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus"? Anyhow... bikinis are cool, scuba is rather like watching golf.

The BAHAMAS are known for sport fishing and if I'm ever there with Shakara Ledard, Anne V., Carolyn Murhphy and Frankie Rayder, you can bet your last dollar I'm going sport fishing with ‘em. Although the models were stunning, there's nothing sexy or appealing about a woman with a fishing rod. Sorry.

Next we take a break from the classic surroundings with renown super models and take a peek at Gold Medal athletes, Amanda Beard (Olympic swimmer) and Jennie Finch (Olympic softball player). Aside from not knowing women played softball in the Olympics it was a boring segment.

CROATIA is out in the middle of nowhere and apparently takes 30 hours to get to. Daniella Sarahyba, Jessica White and Michelle Alves found it a good place to go sailing. I'm sure they could have found a place to go sailing that was only 30 minutes away.

HONDURAS was the site for some river rafting with Mallory Snyder, Veronica Varekova-Nedved and Petra Nemcova. Super models don't go rafting.

COSTA RICA is a haven for surfers, however, few of them would ever guess that Marisa Miller (born in So. Cal.) actually knows how to surf. That was hot! Its one thing for a super model to pose in a variety of sports related dioramas, but its another if she really knows the sport and can really do it.

The grand finale to this idiocy-in-exotic-locales DVD is the body painting segment. The theme was "sports jerseys", so each girl had a jersey painted onto her body. This is much hotter than a girl wearing a sports jersey - which isn't at all hot unless you're a sports fanatic (moron). Its a surprisingly nifty effect, although it takes 4 hours to apply as opposed to the 4 seconds it takes to put on a jersey. Personally, I'm more a fan of girls who remove clothing... but anyway.

Ric Ocasek

Does being married to a super model (not included on this DVD) warrant mention in the review of such a DVD? It does if you're Ric Ocasek and formerly the lead singer in The Cars. Re-invented as The New Cars - very original guys - with replacement singer Todd Rundgren, formerly of Utopia, begs the question, What the Hell?
As strange as it seems for Rundgren to replace Ocasek, in the reincarnation of his old band, is Ocasek's marriage to super model, Paulina Porizkova. None of this was probably worth mentioning.

Yeah, we know. This isn't a fucking skateboarding video, but hold up. It's hosted by Tony Hawk and with a billion dollar video game empire and being the official spokesman for all things SK8, this DVD has to fit in somehow - right?

We run into the same issue that you may have had with our fucking Britney Spears review - which was all eye-candy; no sk8. However picture this... you've got your whole crew chilling at your place after an all-day assault on your back yard half pipe. The beer is flowing , the stereo is fucking pumping... all you need is some visual stimulation. What better visual stimuli than bikini-clad super models clamoring around the world's finest beaches. This disc certainly won't be the center piece of your alcoholic shindig, but won't your pals shit when Tony Hawk suddenly stumbles into frame!

Considering this was done in 2005 - well after Tony was set up monetarily for life - why would he even bother? Good question. I'm sure it was fun to work with Marisa Miller, but a guy like Tony can attract babes on his own. Besides, his role was totally fucked up. They gave him obvious lines to say which had to come from some shithead who'd never seen a skate demo or picked up a copy of Thrasher Magazine.

The real attraction was to see Tony Hawk host a swimsuit video. So, pump up the stereo, kill the sound on your TV and enjoy the scantily-clad scenery - and the intermittent Tony Hawk appearances.

"SPORTS" Illustrated

Sports Illustrated magazine has done something quite ingenious with their fucking rag. Obviously, it appeals to sports fanatics, but they're not numerous enough to keep a mag afloat (at least not to the standards SI has become accustomed to). To ensure the good financial standing of such a publication, sex must be injected to boost profit. I'm sure the Swimsuit issue alone pays most of the bills. Bikinis win over any bullshit sport - at least on the cover.

In keeping with the "Sports" portion of their mag's title, they get their bevy of super models to engage in a variety of sports - one per exotic locale.

THAILAND is the backdrop against which Oluchi Onweagaba, Jessica Van der Steen and Ana Beatriz Barros are forced to try out Elephant Polo. If such a sport exists, I'm certain it is not played on a fucking beach and certainly not at the water's fucking edge, but quality photography dictates an even mix of surf, sand and tits. Hence, they coax a huge elephant to the water and let the girls sit on him holding a polo mallet. They all looked as much like professional athletes as mimes are master performers (in public parks).

CHILE was full of snow and few sports are as good in snow as snowboarding. A quick jaunt in a helicopter brought Bridget Hall (in a parka and bikini) and crew to a snowy peak. Oddly enough Briget went snowboarding in her fucking bikini, sans parka, for us lucky viewers. She didn't catch any air, but surprisingly she pulled it off without any narly falls - Who'd have thought it?

HONDURAS was the site for some river rafting with Mallory Snyder, Veronica Varekova-Nedved and Petra Nemcova. Super models don't go rafting.

COSTA RICA is a haven for surfers, however, few of them would ever guess that Marisa Miller (born in So. Cal.) actually knows how to fucking surf. That was hot! Its one thing for a super model to pose in a variety of sports related dioramas, but its another if she really knows the sport and can really do it.

The grand finale to this idiocy-in-exotic-locales DVD is the body painting segment. The theme was "sports jerseys", so each girl had a jersey painted onto her body. This is much hotter than a girl wearing a sports jersey - which isn't at all hot unless you're a sports fanatic (moron). Its a nifty fucking effect, although it takes 4 hours to apply as opposed to the 4 seconds it takes to put on a jersey. Personally, I'm more a fan of girls who remove clothing... but anyway.

Ric Ocasek

Does being married to a super model (not included on this DVD) warrant mention in the review of such a DVD? It does if you're Ric Ocasek and formerly the lead singer in The Cars. Re-invented as The New Cars - very fucking original guys - with replacement singer Todd Rundgren, formerly of Utopia, begs the question, What the fuck?
As strange as it seems for Rundgren to replace Ocasek, in the reincarnation of his old band, is Ocasek's marriage to super model, Paulina Porizkova. None of this was probably worth fucking mentioning.

The Girls of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit 2005

The Bottom Line

The only reason we suggest buying this DVD is that discs like this one can usually be found in the discount bin or inexpensively online.

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