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Snowboard DVD Review:Traci Lords in Frostbite

Traci Lords in Frostbite snowboarding skateboarding video DVD review One Star skateboard DVD review rating

Director: Jonathan Schwartz
Studio: Fox Home Entertainment
Released: 2005
Rating: 1 Star

Peter Jason, Traci Lords, Adam Grimes, Phil Morris, Carmen Nicole, Baelyn Neff, Oliver Macready, Ron Zimmerman, Christian Oliver, Gus Farewell, Rick Overton, Maggie Rowe, Matt Baker, Kareem Matthews, Troy Bellinghausen, Maite Schwartz, Adam Crosby, Nikol Nesbitt, Michelle Gould, Elizabeth Carlsen, Denise Boudreau, Suzanne Stokes, Buffy Tyler, Katie Thomasv, Michela Catand, Michela Gatando, Nicole O'Brian, Kimberly Choma, Nicole Bennett, James Armstrong, Scott Valentine, Erin Cahill, Paul Miller, Damian Costa and Paul Miller

There's no good reason to watch films like this, but I did anyway. I'm a sucker for cleverly marketed cover-art. But come on... Traci Lords is in it - it has to be good, right? She's a former porn star gone b-movie queen in the likes of "Not of This Earth" and the TV series, "First Wave". The logic seems strong, but the reality is as chilling as a case of frostbite. I yearn to believe that this will be an intoxicating melding of awesome snowboarding and hot chicks (especially Traci). Alas, my dreams are shattered. It fails on all fronts.

My major miscalculation is time frame. Traci Lords was hot - let's say around 1988. Now, her name seems to regularly befall various projects; then she appears looking like crap - as seen in Frostbite. She plays this haggard barkeep who's crusty voice is as much a turn-off as her wardrobe. Being as psyched as I was to catch my former porno-queen in a new role, I couldn't even enjoy the fact that someone in casting did manage to find a few attractive women to fill out the cast.

But then there are the writers. I'm not looking for Masterpiece Theater or any high calliber of acting, but the drivel they spew makes me wonder if the script was more than six pages long. At times, it seems like I'd have been better served by turning off the sound, but the few and far between instances of beautiful girls negates that strategy.

Traci Lords in Frostbite

Despite this tempting image... it just ain't worth the rental fee!

Traci Lords

Much like when forced to eat peas as a viable green vegetable, I go off on a rant about how awful they taste and I find myself doing the same thing here - ranting about the lack of titilation in what should have been a very TIT-ilating flick. This site barely veils its intentions, yet is aledgedly a skateboarding site (and snowboarding). So what about the snowboarding?

Lets just say there isn't enough footage of any kind to make this a viable watch. Every time I watch a movie like this (and regret it) I feel compelled to begin directing movies. At the same time, I'm fairly certain that my directorial skills would circle the drain somewhere around the level of pornography. I don't think I posess the restraint necessary to mix snow/skatebording with chicks and not have blatant nudity over-run the whole project. I suppose admitting you have a problem is the first step to curing it.

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